As of today, I have lost 96 lbs. That is a small woman. Or a teenager. A young one. :-) But when I look in the mirror, knowing this fact, knowing I've dropped from a size 24 or 22 to a size 12/14, I still see a fat girl. I know I am not at my final goal. I know that some of this is excess skin that I still have to firm up. I know that I am literally 6 months out from my surgery. (Surgery was December 14, 2011.) While my friends, my clothes, my pictures, and my doctors will all tell me how much weight I've lost and how well I've done, my brain is still telling me I'm fat.
I have spent the majority of my life as a fat person. Most of that time I have also spent telling myself how horrible I was for being fat. My negative self talk had no limits. I could admit that I am smart. I could admit that I am funny, that I am nice, and that I have a lot of friends. It didn't matter. To me, being fat outweighed (excuse the pun) all of the good things about me. Because I was fat, I was disgusting, hideous, and overall, just a bad person. I would look at myself in the mirror and think, "Well, I wouldn't want to date me, why would anyone else?" The problem is, when you have spent years and years of your life with constant negative thoughts and constant put-downs, it's extremely difficult to change this.
Then, today, I saw a post that a friend had put up on Facebook. It is from Diane Sylvan's blog, CrazyBeautiful. (Here is the link: Ten Rules for Fat Girls) I think it's important to read. Being fat is the only thing that is still acceptable for mocking, tormenting, teasing, making jokes, and all other forms of "bullying". I'm not saying that other things should be mocked, teased, etc.; we've come a long way to recognize that it's unacceptable behavior towards people of different races, religions, sexualities, etc. But why is it still OK to treat people who are overweight or obese this way? What does it accomplish? Like Diane suggests, if it's to push the fat people into becoming "healthier" (This is BS. One can be overweight and healthy.) or skinnier, it clearly isn't working. Obesity rates just keep rising. And Diane makes another point. If we don't find it acceptable for other people to treat us this way and talk to us like this, why is it OK for us to do it to ourselves?
I don't have an answer to those questions. And I don't know how to see myself in a different way. The only thing I can do, and have tried to do, is note when I'm saying/thinking something negative about myself and consider what brings on this thought. If I can, I stop myself before I get the whole thought out, and I try to turn it around and say something positive. For now, this is all I can do. I may even write notes and place them where I can see them and "find" them. You know... I can look in the mirror as I brush my teeth and see "You are beautiful." Open the cupboard for a glass and see "You are an amazing woman."
How do you feel about this? Are you overweight and talk/think negatively about yourself? Have you gotten past these hurdles? If so... PLEASE SHARE!! I think helping each other can help us (1) know that we are not alone and (2) figure out how to change this behavior.
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